As part of The Land Foundations programme every participant is required to take a Vipassana meditation course. Vipassana, which means to see things as they really are, is one of India's most ancient techniques of meditation. It was taught in India more than 2500 years ago as a universal remedy for universal ills, i.e., an Art of Living. The course we will be doing is run by Goenka (via video tapes and c.d's). This meditation course involves 10days of silence. Meditation begins at 4.30 in the morning and finishes at 9pm at night with breakfast, lunch and tea breaks.
I am familiar with m
editation practices. 10 years ago I took a pranayama (breathing) art of living course in Durban, South Africa and did it again in Dublin 2 years ago. I have also been practicing Iyengar yoga over the last 11 years and have been practicing Aikido ( A Japanese martial art) over the last 5 years which includes zen meditation practice. I think it is great to see a meditation course included in an artistic programme. I have received rich benefit from meditation practice over the last 10 years. On Wednesday Aoife and I travel to Phitts . . The course is full. It is 80 percent Thai participants. I have bought a Chi-Gung book by Daniel Read that I read on the 6 hour bus journey to the meditation centre.When we arrive I hand over all writing, reading, valuables and wallet. Men and woman are separated to allow for less distraction. The silence starts at 7pm. We meet in The great hall which is a large hall with meditation cushions in rows, we are each designated a number/ cushion, mine is no.35. I 'm going to get to know this cushion very well over the next few days. We are asked to put aside all forms of previous meditation practice by Goenka via tape and to concentrate simply on his instruction and technique over the next 10 days. We are initially told to watch our breathe and concentrate on the inner passages of our nose to feel the breathe there. We do this practice for 4 and a half days. Watching the breathe, watching our thoughts and where they go and bringing them back to the breathe in order to be present. This is a mind training.
We so often get pulled away by what is going on in our thoughts and we create deep passages for our synapses when we concentrate and give precedence to certain thoughts. This is what leads us to depression, obsession, bad self image and anxiety. When you sit still you can literally hear yourself think. You see how you create your habits and the realisation develops that it is ultimately up to you with what you want to concentrate your life energies and thinking on. 'Where your mind goes your energy goes', I remember being told in a yoga class.Where your mind goes your body often follows mostly in a space of unawareness, and often when we get caught in these emotional negative jams we think 'poor me' but if we were to watch our thought we would see that we have lead ourselves to this place. Sitting for four days a deeper and deeper unlayering will begin to happen, it's a waking up to oneself. This of course isn't easy, you literally confront your demons and the lovely sweet person you imagine you are reveals its great weakness and folly. Then back to the breathe, always attempting to be present and aware so you don't
get dragged into that whirl pool of negativity. All good so far. I am looking forward to the time out and know that it is going to be a challenge confronting the truth of myself. When Goenka 's voice comes over the tape I decide I like it . . I think positively about it and when he chants at the end of the meditation session I think that he sounds like something John Kelly would play. (John Kelly is one of my favourite Irish radio D.J's) He sounds like some smoking Blues singer that's being hanging out in a lot of bars drinking whiskey.
The following morning at 4.30 am we do an hour and a half of meditation and then Goenka comes over the loud speaker once more singing his chants. But this morning I find his voice really annoying, he can't sing i think. I wonder why he didn't get someone with an angelic voice to chant for him, maybe this smoking blues jazz voice doest suit a 6am morning? I have no idea what he is saying, we haven't been told the meaning of the lyrics. Then I become afraid of being brainwashed by some new guru. I think about Germany and the Nazi's and their use of radio and voice to get their message across. They managed to Brain wash a whole nation, and those people believed they were in the right and that they were doing it for the greater good. Back to the breathe, positivity . . its really difficult this morning. The chanting goes on for ages and ages and ages . . .
After a day of watching my thoughts and bringing them back to my breathe on the second day I atomise during one of the meditation sessions. I am present and awake in the room. I can hear Goenka on the tape saying "feel the area between your upper lip and nostril". But my body has gone into some altered state. I think 'I 'd feel my nose if I could but at the moment. . I have no nose . . I'm literally blissed out'. It's better than any orgasm (sorry present and past boyfriends). The next thing that happens is various colours appear. (It's a little like the sauna in the Guinness swimming pool that I go to in Dublin. The sauna has a lamp that changes colour, probably designed as a mood improver? it flashes differnt colours and goes through the rainbow spectrum.) Each colour during the meditation creates a certain mood and feeling, it holds a certain vibration. I figure my different chakras are waking and that I must be working on some subtle level . It definitely doesn't feel like a dream state I am aware of being on cushion no 35 and I can here Goenka saying ' start again start again go back to the breathe. I disobey though . .I decide to sit with this state which feels incredibly healing and peaceful, and not stay with focusing on my physical upper lip ( which to be honest I have become bored with. . 20 hours of upper lip concentration over 2 days!). Toward the end of the hour and a half I move back to my physical body. I am sitting in a good posture, there is no pain in my legs and I feel incredibly content. We then go for lunch . We still have another 6 hours of sitting meditation to do this afternoon and evening. Followed by another 8 days of twelve hour meditation.
Day 3 sees my legs feeling really uncomfortable I keep going because we are told in the video tapes that we will be moving to another technique soon, this is like a dangling carrot. I watch my breathe and become aware of the different directions my mind drifts off in. Like a fishing line I try to pull them back to myself, to move back to my breathe and the present moment.
Can one get meditation Over Dose? I'm feeling a little O. D' ed on meditation. What shouldn't be an effort is feeling like a massive effort. Effortless effort effortless effort I keep telling myself.
On the morning of Day 4 I assume we will be starting the new technique. But we don't, I concentrate on my breathe and watch my thoughts. My legs are aching and my butt is sore. I feel like my knees are going to be wrecked from sitting in the lotus position. The Thai participants who have been sitting on the floor crossed legged since they were like 2years old do not seem to be having as hard a time as us Europeans, they sit comfortably, but I have spent most of my years on a chair, my legs are not nearly as flexible and this is pain!
We then begin the new technique that evening. (to be cont . . . when i get round to it)
January 31st 2008. . .(story continued)
The new technique is moving awareness all over the body. We start at the top of our heads and move all around the body, concentrating on our skin. It is nice to be doing something different. I am really struggling with sitting though. We have been told to stay in one position for the hour ( we then get a 10 minute break) then there is another hour. My legs are aching and I find it excruciating to sit in one posture for so long and not shift to a new position. I try to take my mind off the pain and just concentrate on moving around my body. I become more observant of the goenka volunteers and followers, I watch them while around the place dutifully doing there duties. I have such an element of criticality in me, I observe everything, going on around. Is this surrendering to duty beautiful? It does not feel it, it feels formalistic. I think about the bell calling us to meditate but most of all the devotion around Goenka, the teacher.
Am I looking for ways out? is this my own laziness? not being able to sit and suffer?
I just keep wondering what else do I want to see or know and what else do I want revealed? I have another 6 full days of being here and meditation. Sshh mind! be still! be present! More thoughts creating more thoughts.
Day 5: Same routine again, shower at 4am meditation until 6am, breakfast, a break, then meditation sessions, then lunch. My legs are really killing me, I practice being present. I feel like I have meditation OD. Too much meditation. Too much sitting still!
I meet the instructors to ask them about my sitting and to explain the pains in my legs. This does not feel healthy. No yoga to stretch them out, not much space to walk. 'Just sit the pain will pass, concentrate on the movement around the body' We are leaning to see the truth, the essence ' it is a process of de-conditioning. Instead of imposing anything on the mind, it automatically removes unwholesome qualities so that only wholesome, positive ones remain. By eliminating negativities, it uncovers the positivity which is the basic nature of a pure mind.' goenka has said.
I start thinking of my yoga and aikido practice, how much I enjoy the movement in these practices, swimming and running. Will I be doing myself damage here sitting like this.? That afternoon I also find it hard to be present I see frogs and creatures, I am exhausted from the shear force of concentration. I am feeling slightly unhinged. Instead of present I feel exhausted and I don't want to sit for any longer. By dinner time I have had enough. I want to stop, I want to leave. I approach the instructors and tell them this. They advice me to try the evening practice and that I can leave in the morning if I still feel the same way. I agree to give it another chance.
I go to the evening session. I give the meditation my full presence. No I most definitely want to go. That morning I pack my bags and head back to Chaing Mai. I feel no regrets about leaving. I do feel a slight worry for a second that I might be giving up or weak? . . but that thought passes very quickly. No I have had enough, I am grateful for the experience and the second day was incredibly healing. It was wonderful to experience 5 days of silence. I came to see my thought patterns, I witnessed things I cling to, my negative thinking, my thought ad
dictions.
When I get back to Chaing Mai I google "Goenka", this is his most recent project:'The Global Pagoda' Building the largest meditation centre in the world in praise of The Buddha. It is meant to last 2000 years, with the Buddhas relics underneath, given over by the sri lankan prime minister. I have a thought: Buddha achieved enlightenment under a tree, why do we (man) always feel the need to erect some massive monument, be it a pyramid, a cathedral . . structures? Then back to the present moment, the breathe, back to communicating, making decisions, experiencing sensation, back to my life.
The following morning at 4.30 am we do an hour and a half of meditation and then Goenka comes over the loud speaker once more singing his chants. But this morning I find his voice really annoying, he can't sing i think. I wonder why he didn't get someone with an angelic voice to chant for him, maybe this smoking blues jazz voice doest suit a 6am morning? I have no idea what he is saying, we haven't been told the meaning of the lyrics. Then I become afraid of being brainwashed by some new guru. I think about Germany and the Nazi's and their use of radio and voice to get their message across. They managed to Brain wash a whole nation, and those people believed they were in the right and that they were doing it for the greater good. Back to the breathe, positivity . . its really difficult this morning. The chanting goes on for ages and ages and ages . . .
After a day of watching my thoughts and bringing them back to my breathe on the second day I atomise during one of the meditation sessions. I am present and awake in the room. I can hear Goenka on the tape saying "feel the area between your upper lip and nostril". But my body has gone into some altered state. I think 'I 'd feel my nose if I could but at the moment. . I have no nose . . I'm literally blissed out'. It's better than any orgasm (sorry present and past boyfriends). The next thing that happens is various colours appear. (It's a little like the sauna in the Guinness swimming pool that I go to in Dublin. The sauna has a lamp that changes colour, probably designed as a mood improver? it flashes differnt colours and goes through the rainbow spectrum.) Each colour during the meditation creates a certain mood and feeling, it holds a certain vibration. I figure my different chakras are waking and that I must be working on some subtle level . It definitely doesn't feel like a dream state I am aware of being on cushion no 35 and I can here Goenka saying ' start again start again go back to the breathe. I disobey though . .I decide to sit with this state which feels incredibly healing and peaceful, and not stay with focusing on my physical upper lip ( which to be honest I have become bored with. . 20 hours of upper lip concentration over 2 days!). Toward the end of the hour and a half I move back to my physical body. I am sitting in a good posture, there is no pain in my legs and I feel incredibly content. We then go for lunch . We still have another 6 hours of sitting meditation to do this afternoon and evening. Followed by another 8 days of twelve hour meditation.
Day 3 sees my legs feeling really uncomfortable I keep going because we are told in the video tapes that we will be moving to another technique soon, this is like a dangling carrot. I watch my breathe and become aware of the different directions my mind drifts off in. Like a fishing line I try to pull them back to myself, to move back to my breathe and the present moment.
Can one get meditation Over Dose? I'm feeling a little O. D' ed on meditation. What shouldn't be an effort is feeling like a massive effort. Effortless effort effortless effort I keep telling myself.
On the morning of Day 4 I assume we will be starting the new technique. But we don't, I concentrate on my breathe and watch my thoughts. My legs are aching and my butt is sore. I feel like my knees are going to be wrecked from sitting in the lotus position. The Thai participants who have been sitting on the floor crossed legged since they were like 2years old do not seem to be having as hard a time as us Europeans, they sit comfortably, but I have spent most of my years on a chair, my legs are not nearly as flexible and this is pain!
We then begin the new technique that evening. (to be cont . . . when i get round to it)
January 31st 2008. . .(story continued)
The new technique is moving awareness all over the body. We start at the top of our heads and move all around the body, concentrating on our skin. It is nice to be doing something different. I am really struggling with sitting though. We have been told to stay in one position for the hour ( we then get a 10 minute break) then there is another hour. My legs are aching and I find it excruciating to sit in one posture for so long and not shift to a new position. I try to take my mind off the pain and just concentrate on moving around my body. I become more observant of the goenka volunteers and followers, I watch them while around the place dutifully doing there duties. I have such an element of criticality in me, I observe everything, going on around. Is this surrendering to duty beautiful? It does not feel it, it feels formalistic. I think about the bell calling us to meditate but most of all the devotion around Goenka, the teacher.
Am I looking for ways out? is this my own laziness? not being able to sit and suffer?
I just keep wondering what else do I want to see or know and what else do I want revealed? I have another 6 full days of being here and meditation. Sshh mind! be still! be present! More thoughts creating more thoughts.
Day 5: Same routine again, shower at 4am meditation until 6am, breakfast, a break, then meditation sessions, then lunch. My legs are really killing me, I practice being present. I feel like I have meditation OD. Too much meditation. Too much sitting still!
I meet the instructors to ask them about my sitting and to explain the pains in my legs. This does not feel healthy. No yoga to stretch them out, not much space to walk. 'Just sit the pain will pass, concentrate on the movement around the body' We are leaning to see the truth, the essence ' it is a process of de-conditioning. Instead of imposing anything on the mind, it automatically removes unwholesome qualities so that only wholesome, positive ones remain. By eliminating negativities, it uncovers the positivity which is the basic nature of a pure mind.' goenka has said.
I start thinking of my yoga and aikido practice, how much I enjoy the movement in these practices, swimming and running. Will I be doing myself damage here sitting like this.? That afternoon I also find it hard to be present I see frogs and creatures, I am exhausted from the shear force of concentration. I am feeling slightly unhinged. Instead of present I feel exhausted and I don't want to sit for any longer. By dinner time I have had enough. I want to stop, I want to leave. I approach the instructors and tell them this. They advice me to try the evening practice and that I can leave in the morning if I still feel the same way. I agree to give it another chance.
I go to the evening session. I give the meditation my full presence. No I most definitely want to go. That morning I pack my bags and head back to Chaing Mai. I feel no regrets about leaving. I do feel a slight worry for a second that I might be giving up or weak? . . but that thought passes very quickly. No I have had enough, I am grateful for the experience and the second day was incredibly healing. It was wonderful to experience 5 days of silence. I came to see my thought patterns, I witnessed things I cling to, my negative thinking, my thought ad
dictions.When I get back to Chaing Mai I google "Goenka", this is his most recent project:'The Global Pagoda' Building the largest meditation centre in the world in praise of The Buddha. It is meant to last 2000 years, with the Buddhas relics underneath, given over by the sri lankan prime minister. I have a thought: Buddha achieved enlightenment under a tree, why do we (man) always feel the need to erect some massive monument, be it a pyramid, a cathedral . . structures? Then back to the present moment, the breathe, back to communicating, making decisions, experiencing sensation, back to my life.
1 comments:
I was happened to meet Aoife @ the meditation-Kamin's house for translating your trespass book. When Kamin saw me, he told me I must passed the Goenka-guru-workshop meditation first to join them for the 'All-together-meditation' which I found quite annoying, sounds like brainwashed dictator method! Actually I have no intention to join any meditation course because if you live in the present 'The here-and-now', without the psychological time "past and future', it's already the true meditation with the NOW!
suwan
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